Snow days

I am sitting at the kitchen table watching my daughter sleep. She is so relaxed that her lips are drooping to one side. Outside, snow is falling from the sky in every which direction, and being whipped up from the ground in every which other direction. A couple feet of snow cover everything - trees, the place where the patio table is no longer visible, the pool has disappeared... it is chaos outside.

Inside, there could be chaos too. My life situation at the moment is one of "1,000 what-ifs". The kitchen table I'm sitting at is my parents', as my family has been living here for the last year. Lots of extenuating circumstances - particularly the beautiful lovey lump over there - have lead to this kind of thinking: "What if Grandma gets a job and can't take care of baby?" "What if we sell the apartment and move to a 2 bed and get pregnant again?" "Should we stay here until we can save for a down payment?" "Should we...?" "What if...?" The next phase of our lives could play out in infinite ways, and trying to think them all through is like trying to imagine the vastness of outer space.

In _A New Earth_, Tolle quotes a Zen saying that has become kind of a mantra to me in times that look a lot like the chaotic snowy day outside. "The snow falls, each flake in its appropriate place." Says Tolle, "Behind the sometimes seemingly random or even chaotic succession of events in our lives as well as in the world lies concealed the unfolding of a higher order and purpose". Once all this chaotic snow has passed, the world is covered in a serene, seamless blanket of beauty and stillness. We are just a snowflake falling toward that perfect pattern, into our perfect places, unable to see the bigger picture until it has unfolded.

In other words, people, stop trying to row against the current - just get in the boat and let the river take you. You'll end up in the same place either way, so we may as well enjoy the scenery.

Cozy up!

A Strength is Something That Strengthens You

Today my Yogi Mother's Milk tea tag said: Live in your strength.

A while back, during a career "crisis" which consisted of me brutally losing a job I'd had for 8 years, I ended up thanking my lucky stars, that it happened. The "crisis" resulted in the deepest, most peaceful three days of my life. Three days that I've been trying to get back to ever since, where for a brief time I was working "in flow" with enthusiasm, experiencing each moment with deep gratitude, living a dream I'd had for many years.. .until I realized the reality of that dream wasn't quite all it was cracked up to be... because I'd had my strengths and weaknesses mixed up.

A while back I watched a Marcus Buckinham 3-hour workshop through Oprah podcasts. The bottom line of that workshop was that most of us are not living in our strengths. Buckingham redefined "strengths" for me forever. What do you think of when someone asks, "What are your strengths?" You automatically think of things you are good at. I personally am very good at making good quality educational materials for the people I work with. I am really good at Functional Behavior Assessments and data analysis. I run and develop a mean Functional Analysis. And of everything, I have to pat myself on the back - I am an amazing 1:1 therapist to people w/ autism. Especially those on the severe end of things. And because I am good at those things, I'm often asked to do them.

Perfect, right? I'm asked to do the things I'm good at, my strengths. So why do I put off doing Functional Behavior Assessments? All that boring direct observation. I want to be in the game! I leave periods of direct observation of students needing a double shot of espresso. I leave a 1:1 therapy session ready to climb Mount Everest. What's up with that? I'm good at both... but only one strengthens me. Only one is an actual strength. The other weakens me, drains me - even though I am good at it, it is a weakness. I had been living in my weaknesses more than my strengths.

What are your REAL strengths? Work tasks that nourish you, where you don't look at the clock? Tasks that strengthen you...

(PS: According to Buckingham, things you love to do but are bad at are called: A hobby).

The Comparing and Categorizing Mind

I am reading Mindful Motherhood by Cassandra Vieten. My mom bought it for me while I was pregnant. I love it because it reiterates everything I learned in A New Earth, but with focus on motherhood, and real life.

Since going back to work, I feel a little more alive and well rounded. I feel that I am exercising important and very expensive parts of my brain. I do not feel that I am fully in every or any moment though. By the end of the night, I am a zombie who falls into bed and is asleep in 20 seconds. From a former lifelong insomniac.. that says something.

Vieten talks about unhelpful ways the mind processes information, often by padding the facts of a situation - e.g., The Storytelling Mind that adds made-up information to a situation ("He must be a jerk, he cut me off, I bet he beats his wife too"). The Comparing and Categorizing Mind immediately adds a "good" or "bad" or some other category to simple observations. When I read this, I cried. "You might compare another mom's performance to yours... Or, one of the mind's favorite activities, you might create an imaginary, unachievable ideal and compare yourself against that ('I should have a conflict-free marriage, be content and fulfilled as a stay-at-home mom, be cheerful and sexually vibrant, and not worry about money')".

SLAM DUNK. This "habit of the mind" is undoing me. When I check into the present moment, I find myself completely inadequate against that wonder-mom. I don't look professional enough at work. I'm not eating well enough to provide nutrition for myself and the baby. I haven't finished my Mindful Motherhood book so I'm probably ruining the baby already. I can't find the playard sheet so she's sleeping on plastic. She has a cold, I should have been rinsing her binks. I am too tired to even think about sex. Who would want to have sex with me anyway? Certainly not the man lying next to me who keeps telling me he does. Lies, lies!

Oh, the mind chatter. No one told me how much it would mean to a new mom to hear frequently that she's doing awesome.

Says Vieten? "Don't believe everything you think". Sticking to the facts, and accepting the moment for what it is can help suspend the constantly judging mind.

Why work can be like a day at the spa

I came home from work today feeling... relaxed. Joyful. Enthusiastic. Entirely my authentic self.

For some reason today, the day flowed. I went seamlessly from one task to the next. I was fully present in each moment and each activity. The next activity, the next child, the next task were far from my mind. Yet somehow I never arrived late at a meeting, I never skipped an observation, and in fact I was hugely productive. Even my frustrating parent training session was not frustrating; in fact it bookended my day and left me feeling enthusiastic.

In _A New Earth_, Eckhart Tolle talks about levels of being in the moment: Acceptance, Joy, and Enthusiasm. No matter what the moment brings you, whether you judge it as good, bad, or ugly, you accept the moment and its contents. This is how I came serenely through childbirth. In a joyful moment, you feel happiness with what you are doing. In an enthusiastic time, you are going in flow. You are fully present. You are aligned with your inner purpose.

How do we get there more often?

Like a duck flapping its wings

An analogy from A New Earth really sticks with me as I prepare to head back to work after 3 blissful baby bubble months. He tells how ducks, after conflict, swim away from each other and flap their wings, then go about their business. The duck doesn't carry the business with them. The duck doesn't hold a grudge. The duck doesn't worry about "What will happen when I see Donald tomorrow, after our conflict today?" The duck's ego doesn't hold on to "How could he have said that to me? Doesn't he know who I am?"

Working in a school system, even working toward a common goal of doing what is best for the children, means a balancing act between teacher(s), parent(s), specialists (SLP, behaviorist, OT, PT, on and on), child study team member(s)... all with the child's best interest at heart, and all strongly opinionated. Conflict happens, it's bound to. There are always one or two personalities I dread encountering because of yesterday's conflict - even if it was civilized.

Be the duck. Flap flap. Tomorrow is a new chance to wipe the slate clean, dread nothing, be fearless in the face of personalities who want to eat me alive.

Be brave. Be kind.

In my sleep

I wrote about 4 columns in my sleep.

Oops!

A phrase keeps running through my mind:

"The Peace That Passes All Understanding"

When I went to see Kim Eng, Eckhart Tolle's partner, at a retreat at Kripalu, she said this a few times. The peace that passes all understanding.

The peace that passes all understanding.

I wish that for you this season.

Hormones and the Present Moment...

Are mutually exclusive. Last night I was in a complete and total funky fest for NO GOOD REASONS - minor frustrations. I kept returning to my breath, trying to key into my observer ad just let the pain body dissipate... but instead it kept getting bigger.. and bigger... and bigger... my Ego was upset that my husband suggested shopping apart... my pain body was triggered when my mom was late for babysitting... and my stomach was triggered when there were no Devil Dogs for the breastfeeding, fat-craving mama. I bought all the wrong presents, the baby cranked all day..

Who cares? Such MINOR complaints that turned into a complete and utter funk fest - snapping at my husband, snitting around like I'd been done wrong.. even complete awareness of the ridiculousness of the funk fest wasn't helping. My dad came to the rescue with his secret Yodel stash, which actually helped tremendously. So did sleep, and a now happy baby.

Next time, what am I supposed to do with a hormone induced funk fest? Coming back to my breath - useless this time. Couldn't get my hands on anything spiritual that I could tolerate reading. But while I am adjusting to new birth control, these funk fests are to be expected for a while.

In my mom's friend's kitchen, there is a plain key ring onto which she has attached index cards. Each card has a saying that she finds inspirational. It hangs on her kitchen cabinet next to the sink.

Hmmmmm....