The new "me time"

It used to look like this: a great novel, a sushi restaurant. Phone off. Ordering the usual with a slight variation each time: 2 pc salmon, 2pc tuna, 2 pc yellowtail, all no wasabi, all sushi. Avocado roll. Miso soup. Tea. Give or take the special sushi of the day. A woman alone at a restaurant, the best of company a good book. A leisurely dinner alone.

Or it looked like a hot cup of coffee, a porch, hours upon hours of magazines, books, nailpolish. I don’t even think I knew it was “me time” because it was just my life.

Now if I have a bowel movement for longer than 2 minutes, I call it me time. My shower is a beautiful luxury, and if I can actually get soap into all the right places, it’s a spa day. When there is a rare moment like this, my husband and baby asleep at the same time, I almost don’t know what to do. There are so many things I want to do.. to write, to archive her movies, to read, to sit and listen to the ocean with a cup of (cold, now) coffee.

Why don’t I do them? More often than not if I have the internet I just mindlessly browse websites. Fear. I don’t mind being interrupted from facebook or online browsing for bargains, which I don’t even want or need. But to be interrupted from the meatier endeavors… to be in a thought and hear her cry, or see him open his eyes and ask “What are you up to?” in the kindest of ways… I can barely stand to be a girl, interrupted. I avoid the marrow of life during these quiet moments so I can avoid the brutal involuntary tack like a windsurfer on violent waves. Where there was girl.. well, I can always look back and wave to her.

Maybe creating a transition of my own – a breath, a quick meditative transitioning mantra, something that makes the involuntary switch from woman to mommy seem more of my choosing. Something like “Your self is not in this endeavor, it is in the presence you bring to your next task”.

Your self is not in this endeavor, it is in the presence you bring to your next task.

Then I don’t have to try to turn and wave.