Goodbye, Facebook

     If you haven't picked up The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, grab it!  It's a lovely little pragmatic year's journey into happiness by someone who was mostly happy... but not happy enough given all the blessings in her life.  Reading it made me nearly suffocate with all her tiny resolutions, and how they must have added up to one huge project that would have made me well, miserable... but I took away one big message: Don't waste my time on things that bring mediocre happiness.  So, I deactivated my Facebook account.  Maybe I'm going to be socially disconnected.  Maybe I'm going to miss knowing every time a "friend" gets a job, loses a job, has a bad day, has a good day, goes down a steep escalator, sees a funny sign, posts a picture of their child (OK, I will really miss the pics of my friends babies)... Since I don't know what I don't know, I think we'll all survive without my virtual presence.
    Which brings me to... back to... the blog.  Back to the pursuit of meaning, spirituality, connectedness in all things living... in this tiny microcosm I dwell in.  Hi  blog, I missed you.
xoxo

What Can Presence Do For Me?

     Today I had a deliciously memorable Labor Day picnic with my daughter and a dear friend on her deck, on a perfect blue-sky-yummy-air day, with a magnificent lake view.  The company, the weather, the food - one of the most lovely lazy afternoons I've ever had.  The gift of presence, absorbing every "vibe" and molecule of energy from my dear friend, left her energy tingling on us even after we left.  Now, granted, she has got amazing energy anyway, but knowing about how to stay present even with a squirmy baby was such a gift today.   You see, my dear friend only has a couple months to live, and because of the gift of presence, my daughter and I are privileged to carry her energy with us.  If I had never learned about presence, consciousness, and the power of now, it would have been a very different afternoon.  It could have been filled with nervousness, sadness, mindless chattering to fill silences.  Instead, it was one of loveliest afternoons I can remember.  Thanks, darling!

"MONDAY is the day of giving"

     "On Monday, we agree as parents to do the following things with our children: 1. Invite them to give one thing to someone else in the family.  2. Inspire them to receive graciously.  3. Share a brief ritual of gratitude for life's gifts".  -Deepak Chopra, _The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents_

     This is a little book I picked up while pregnant and meant of course to implement RIGHT AWAY.  I would meditate with my newborn.  I would be the model of gracious "please" and "thank you" and talk to her about gratitude even if she didn't understand.  I would, simply because I needed to be the model, suddenly become all of the spiritual things I read and talk about.  I would, because I was leading by example, be in the now, connected to the source, intensely present, and of course, always calm and radiant.

    One thing I love about a spiritual journey, versus participating in an organized religion, is the framework.  A journey is framed in the unknown.  There isn't a destination, there aren't any answers, only inquiry, seeking, and growth and transformation.  Ideally, this is the case in organized religion too, and for theology students it might be true, but organized religion has always seemed to me to have all the answers, finite, the end, period.  So I'm not beating myself over the head for failing to instantly transform into Spiritual Parent of the Month, because I can share with my daughter the process of seeking, of inquiry.  Of discovering that Monday is the day of Giving.

     Today with my daughter, I will model "please" and "thank you" with meaning.  That is how I will inspire her to receive graciously.  I will start to use the word "share" and model sharing (yum, Baby Puffs for Mommy!).  And on our walk today, I will talk about how lucky we are to live someplace we can be with nature.

     Share with me! How will you inspire your children to give today?  I would love to know other parents' ideas for kids of all ages!

The new "me time"

It used to look like this: a great novel, a sushi restaurant. Phone off. Ordering the usual with a slight variation each time: 2 pc salmon, 2pc tuna, 2 pc yellowtail, all no wasabi, all sushi. Avocado roll. Miso soup. Tea. Give or take the special sushi of the day. A woman alone at a restaurant, the best of company a good book. A leisurely dinner alone.

Or it looked like a hot cup of coffee, a porch, hours upon hours of magazines, books, nailpolish. I don’t even think I knew it was “me time” because it was just my life.

Now if I have a bowel movement for longer than 2 minutes, I call it me time. My shower is a beautiful luxury, and if I can actually get soap into all the right places, it’s a spa day. When there is a rare moment like this, my husband and baby asleep at the same time, I almost don’t know what to do. There are so many things I want to do.. to write, to archive her movies, to read, to sit and listen to the ocean with a cup of (cold, now) coffee.

Why don’t I do them? More often than not if I have the internet I just mindlessly browse websites. Fear. I don’t mind being interrupted from facebook or online browsing for bargains, which I don’t even want or need. But to be interrupted from the meatier endeavors… to be in a thought and hear her cry, or see him open his eyes and ask “What are you up to?” in the kindest of ways… I can barely stand to be a girl, interrupted. I avoid the marrow of life during these quiet moments so I can avoid the brutal involuntary tack like a windsurfer on violent waves. Where there was girl.. well, I can always look back and wave to her.

Maybe creating a transition of my own – a breath, a quick meditative transitioning mantra, something that makes the involuntary switch from woman to mommy seem more of my choosing. Something like “Your self is not in this endeavor, it is in the presence you bring to your next task”.

Your self is not in this endeavor, it is in the presence you bring to your next task.

Then I don’t have to try to turn and wave.

Reverse Design

In science, to prove that the independent variable has an effect on the dependent variable, reliably, sometimes we use a reversal design, or ABAB. I'm in one right now. The situation I THINK is causing my strung-out-negative-self-talk-anxiety-ridden-fits-of-crying-constantly is condition A. Then it was gone for a while (B). No crying. Happiness. Productivity. Then it was back (A). Stress. Gone (B) - no stress. I think we have proven something.

Given that I can't change the situation or get out of it anytime soon, I am completely mentally wrapped up in it. I have imaginary fights with people that aren't even provoking me yet, almost as a self-defense for when the moment comes that I do have to stand up for myself. How am I supposed to keep the inner peace when the stimuli around me are maddening AT BEST? ANd isn't it MOST important to be able to do so during times of duress? Who needs inner peace during halycon days?

Ann Morrow Lindbergh, in _A Gift From the Sea_, talks about the need for solitude. She says that since Virginia Woolf's time, women have come far enough so as not necessarily to need a room of one's own - after all, we are no longer property (but we still take his last name. WTF?) But she says we must have TIME of one's own. Says she, "Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone. .. women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves: that firm strand which will be the indispensable center of a whole web of human relationships. She must find that inner stillness which Charles Morgan describes as 'the stilling of the soul within the activities of the mind and body so that it might be still as the axis of a revolving wheel is still'".

While my family was on vacation in the outerbanks, all three of us in a one room cabana (maybe I SHOULD reconsider a ROOM of one's own), I stole a couple of hours throughout the two weeks and was able to rejuvenate my creative side to a degree. Walking alone on the beach, sitting with a book and coffee on the upper deck (reading _A Gift from the Sea_ by the seaside is a TREAT!) Following the hour of solitude, I was able to re-enter the happy madness and claustrophobia of family life with a much more present and calm being.

How do you keep your still axis during times of overwhelming stress?

Curses!

I don't think I care about cursing around my daughter.

Words are kind of meaningless.

Intonation and intention, I care about. And namecalling.

Everything is Temporary

Seems like the simplest thing. Kim Eng said to me, on a retreat, "All your baby needs is for you to radiate love, peace, and acceptance". That was SOOO not a problem when all she did was nurse, poop, and sleep sweetly on me.

Today while I was trying to wrestle her into her jammies while she pooped in her nighttime diaper for the 3rd time and the poop was on her jammies and I didn't have spare ones so I got her all cleaned and it was just one of those "I CAN'T" mommy moments at the end of the day... It is hard to remember to accept the moment. You don't have to LIKE the moment, or wish the moment would go on, you just have to ACCEPT that THIS IS the moment, and it's a temporary moment. When that flashed in my mind, I was able to breathe. Once you can breathe, the rest is history. I was still annoyed at struggling with too-small poopy wet jammies and running out of nighttime diapers and jerry-rigging her whole night thing, but the annoyance was remote. Unimportant.

Everything is temporary. She's sleeping sweetly now.