The Year of Yes

Ever make a resolution that you kept? One that actually became ingrained in your being, so much so you didn't realize you were guided by it? I had two resolutions this year. One was to grow a pair. The other was to say "YES" when I wanted to say "NOOOOOO". YES to the job I was afraid I couldn't do. YES to more social events, whether I wanted to drive the hour and change or not. YES to novel, weird opportunities. YES to things I've done before and never want to do again. After all, that's how I came to love Kalamata Olives!

I'd love for this to be a nice tidy magazine column where I could site some examples of how YES changed me forever, enriched my life, and is now the fabric of my existence. I can't quite do that, although it did lead to a job I love and some nice dates with my husband when I would have rather stayed home. But on a more cellular level, saying YES ties into what I decided yesterday: to be more open and less guarded about the love around me.

Yesterday when my husband came home, showering me with all the usual affection, kisses, hugs, and love that I typically take for granted, I stopped what I was doing and completely absorbed and returned all of it. I paid no attention to the half-done task, to the feelings of vulnerability, and to the impatience; instead I gave my resounding YES to his love. All of the sudden, I felt like I did when we were first dating - overwhelmed by gratitude, giddiness, and let's face it, lust. All that, just for terminating the sock-folding activity.

And then: He wanted to talk. A lot. About work. He wanted to share his day with me. At first, riding the wave of love, I sat in presence and listened. And those socks started to eat away at the peripheral vision of my consciousness. In.Complete.Task. I have been hoping for years he would break his "work stays at work" policy, here is my wish come true, and those mismatched socks (the ones going in the plastic baggie as per last night's post) are just... dancing all over the dresser. Little taunting faces and googlie eyes while I try to remain present. Suddenly my eyes are drifting behind my husband to the mess that is the closet, mentally I am rearranging the diapers... Is this some kind of adult ADD or is this a common phenomenon in marriage? Do we all *think* we are giving our partners our full attention, but if we really clued in, do we all have dancing socks in the backs of our minds while our partners share their lives with us? Do you? Do you have awareness of it?

In the end, I managed to block out the dancing socks, poorly arranged diapers, and my own commentary on his day. I managed to sit mostly present and was rewarded with HIS complete attention over the mundane details of my laundry-doing day. AND a date, where we ate delicious desserts and he read me baby names, and Miss Bink bounced around, and I fell asleep in the comfy chairs feeling filled to the gills with love and contentment. The socks had to wait until the insomnia attack in the middle of the night.

All that, just for saying YES and sitting on my hands. The next trick will be to keep it up, and to keep it up when the result is only that I was present - not getting anything in return. Unconditional YES.