Saturday, December 19, 2009

In my sleep

I wrote about 4 columns in my sleep.

Oops!

A phrase keeps running through my mind:

"The Peace That Passes All Understanding"

When I went to see Kim Eng, Eckhart Tolle's partner, at a retreat at Kripalu, she said this a few times. The peace that passes all understanding.

The peace that passes all understanding.

I wish that for you this season.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Hormones and the Present Moment...

Are mutually exclusive. Last night I was in a complete and total funky fest for NO GOOD REASONS - minor frustrations. I kept returning to my breath, trying to key into my observer ad just let the pain body dissipate... but instead it kept getting bigger.. and bigger... and bigger... my Ego was upset that my husband suggested shopping apart... my pain body was triggered when my mom was late for babysitting... and my stomach was triggered when there were no Devil Dogs for the breastfeeding, fat-craving mama. I bought all the wrong presents, the baby cranked all day..

Who cares? Such MINOR complaints that turned into a complete and utter funk fest - snapping at my husband, snitting around like I'd been done wrong.. even complete awareness of the ridiculousness of the funk fest wasn't helping. My dad came to the rescue with his secret Yodel stash, which actually helped tremendously. So did sleep, and a now happy baby.

Next time, what am I supposed to do with a hormone induced funk fest? Coming back to my breath - useless this time. Couldn't get my hands on anything spiritual that I could tolerate reading. But while I am adjusting to new birth control, these funk fests are to be expected for a while.

In my mom's friend's kitchen, there is a plain key ring onto which she has attached index cards. Each card has a saying that she finds inspirational. It hangs on her kitchen cabinet next to the sink.

Hmmmmm....

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

When she wakes...

She blinks a few times. Her eyes are open wide, her eyebrows raise up in anticipation of the world being a good place.. she glances around, first up, then over, then up again, then over to the other side. She tests out her limbs, wiggles her body around a little. She breathes so sweetly. Then she starts to kick and flail, stretch out, yawn, and make some noise... "Hey, I'm here, what's next? Pick me up! Show me around!"

But for those first 30 seconds, she is the picture of what being deeply in the moment looks like.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Two Hands

As of today, I can do the following things one-handed, with my non-dominant hand: change the laundry from the washer to the dryer, spread butter on toast, and type a short email to someone I know will not judge my bad spelling and telegraph-like sentences.

Nursing. An epic battle. I am shocked our species has survived. If we were cave people without support from cave-lactation consultants, my child and I would be fossils. It is the hardest things I have ever done in my life - and I have spent 3 days alone in the woods with a teenager with severe autism. Now that we are good at it, I am tempted to check email, read a book, do any number of activities while my very beautiful daughter is eating for what feels like eternity when I'm only staring at the walls.

So... presented with the challenge of boredom, I came back to: The Present Moment. And found that time flies when you're staring at something so fresh from God. I can practically see neural pathways forming while she eats and moves her tiny hands around, learning what "smooth" and "rough" and "cotton" and "skin" and "wet" mean. How brilliant that she knows her own little body so well, to pull away when she is full and cry when she is hungry. How miraculous that I keep making enough food for her insatiable appetite. Years of evolution, all for this moment, when the early early light begins to creep up on our corner of the bedroom, her tiny hands constantly in motion, like a snake's tongue, feeling the air, the skin, the milk, the air, the air, the air.

I remember a passage from _A New Earth_ in which Eckart Tolle suggests that "motherese" is a little condescending to babies because it implies they know less than us and need special speak to understand the world around them. I feel that my child is so wise, so much wiser than I am, so knowing and perceptive and intuitive. "Life is the dancer, and we are the dance"... she is the dance as Life flows through her, and someday onto the next form... she is therefore older than dirt, and so am I... but I can't help but to goo goo ga ga over her because well... the form Life took this time around is a baby!

The cliche of "the greatest joy"... when I say it, or think it, it is suddenly round, juicy, pregnant with truth... greatest.... joy. Joy of all the choirs of angels and all the sunlight you've ever seen filtering through leaves in fall and all the warmth of a day you bathe in sun like honey dripping into your tea.. joy that presses hard against the inside wall of your chest in those rare moments when you viscerally know what a miracle this common act of living is.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Coming Out of the Fog

Little Miss Bink sleeps in a heirloom bassinet next to me in our bedroom. For the last three weeks I have been rooted Sound and Sight to that bassinet throughout the night.

Last night I rolled over and remembered my husband sleeps on the other side of me.

Yes, it's a metaphor. I've been rooted Sound, Sight, Smell, Taste, and Intuition to my baby and probably... forgot my husband is sitting right next to me except to do the evening diaper change handoff.

There has been nothing WRONG or BAD about the newborn fog I am in.. in fact, I was delighted to find out that after years of spiritual seeking about how to live in the present moment.. just to be with an infant, your own infant, is the way! I've been more present and accepting of the now in the last three weeks that in all my spiritual practice. More vibrantly alive and aware of not just Miss Bink, but of the rain outside, of all the stimuli I can show her around her. Of the miracle that is Life.

Except the stimulus that is my husband and probably the people around me. All those grown up miracles.

Time to open my eyes again.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Ah. Ha.


I got a Buddha Baby. A wise old soul who has delivered face-splitting Buddha smiles since Day 1 (non-gas related). A magnificent gal who looks at me so patiently while I bumble through newborn motherhood, as if to say "I know you haven't been through this before, it's OK, I'm with you all the way". She teaches me every day, how to be fully and presently in the moment with her. Because rumor has it, they fly so quickly.


Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Hardest Moment to "Be" in

Waiting for a baby to come ....
these are the hardest moments I've ever experienced to try to just "be" in the now...
Because I want the future so bad!

Monday, September 28, 2009

The "What Goes Around Comes Around" Challenge

A few entries back (I wish I knew how to make those cute links) I decided to try a simple practice for a few weeks: To give to the world what I felt it was withholding from me. I gave more love and nurturing to my husband. I gave more present attention to everyone. I gave myself out to more social situations. All of these things then did come back to me tenfold, although just the acts of giving out completed the circle of richer, deeper satisfaction in life - the "get back" was a bonus, like a third round buy back. The wine is good... the free 3rd glass is crisp bliss.

So last pay period, I gave away all my money. I gave to friends who have small businesses by purchasing their products. I gave to anyone doing a walk. I bought presents and sent presents. It was richly satisfying. The "get back" consisted of an enormous leak in my roof which happened to spring right over my brand new couch which I haven't even seen yet. Better luck next time!

That said, I saw an episode of some cartoon with penguins that live in a zoo and do good deeds. The moral of the episode definitely involved karma, and doing a good deed so that the universe will give you something back. There is a similar breakdown of karma in Deepak Chopra's book on spiritual parenting. I'm not sure about my feelings on karma being used to describe relationships between giving and getting. You can find any pattern you look for - if you believe bad things happen to good people, then they do. If you believe that you get what you give, then you do. You will see the patterns that fit your world view. If you pigeonhole karma into a "what goes around, comes around" kind of scenario, then I suppose eventually, it will.

And if you do believe what goes around, comes around... feel free to leave a donation for my new couch.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Skimming

Despite the recent focus to a) give out what I feel I'm missing in life and b) stay more present in the moment, if there is marrow in my days, it's going unnoticed by me. Clearly I haven't been practicing the put-out long enough for a return, and also I shouldn't be doing it for a return because then.. the focus is on the return. Basically I feel like I'm skimming the surface, me and the water bugs. I won't give up until I'm a tuna, at least. Or one of those bottom-dwelling things seen only on the Discovery Channel, with many eyes.

Sometimes I want to blame the lack of depth in my life on my surroundings, on living in a development in suburbia, being pregnant, having caved to all the standard "things" we have to have for baby that I swore I would not cave to... I do think when you live your life out of alignment with your authentic values, it's hard to access anything authentic at all. However, I also think it should be irrelevant - I am not where I live or any of those things, our identities lie outside of these trappings. The ironic thing about where I live though, is that for the most part everyone does identify you by your labels and things and trappings so it is extra hard to escape that.
Get me back to the beach.

I did read a cute tip: Yogurt containers - use them to plant seeds, and use the little plastic lids as the drip trays.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Higher Power?

This morning I woke up to Oprah's Sprit Newsletter in my email box, which I always mean to take the time to read but usually end up deleting as one of the endless helpful daily newsletters I receive.
I happen to be having an insomniac morning so I glanced over Wayne Dyer imploring me to put my relationship with my higher power (can we agree that could mean anything?) first.

Relationship with my higher power? It took 5 readings of Dance of the Dissident Daughter, two years of purposefully avoiding church, more years of re-programming myself every time I started to envision the Old White Guy with Beard hovering somewhere higher than me.. to finally come to see the source of life as a mighty river. To finally eliminate the idea of a HIGHER power and replace it with an interconnected web of intricacy beyond what I can understand... a "universe" powered by one source of life.
I don't even know if I have a relationship with that metaphor. I don't call out prayer to the universe. I don't ask the universe for this or that. I don't set intentions. I tend to get in the river and see where it goes, and I tend to do my best not to fight it. (As Deepak Chopra says in his Seven Spiritual Laws for Parenting, "Don't say no- go with the flow".

My challenge for the couple weeks that I sit home waiting for the baby to come (tomorrow is my last day of work, and I have mixed feelings about that but I know December will come in no time) will be to see if there is a relationship between me and "God" or consciousness or the Life Force or whatever you want to call our true selves - the divine within myself. It's either a) not there or b) so present I take it for granted.

Do you have a relationship with a higher power? Is that power "higher" than you? Does it consist mostly of you asking and hoping the higher power will deliver? How do you nurture that relationship if you do have one? If you don't have one, (a higher power or a relationship with a higher power), where do you see your place in the universe? If you were raised with a higher power and don't have one anymore, do you feel a hole?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Unravel

It's completely unraveling, all these efforts to embrace my spiritual side - the sleep deprivation, the exhaustion, the complete boredom that comes along with insomnia... SLEEP is something I want so badly and can't have it, it's driving me to distraction. There's no middle of the night meditation going on here!

People love to say "Wait 'till the baby comes..." That's the easy answer but in the meantime, there has got to be a way to get some marrow out of these now nightly insomnia attacks. Any thoughts?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Pockets

Today I was waiting at the doctor's office, on the table, probably about 20 minutes. I checked my email in my phone. I responded to some texts. Then I threw the phone over on the chair and tried to just... be. Tried to take the sheer joy of being alive as all the activity I need. Not anticipating the doctor, the next email, getting to work late... just being alive. With this other little life inside me also (who, incidentally, has the fattest cheeks to ever grace this planet and last we checked in, was chomping on her own arm).

It's not easy being here now. Especially being here, now, sleep deprived, hormonal, impatient, and uncomfortable.

The beauty was returning to the breath. After a few false starts and a few deep, cleansing breaths, the wonder and awe of being came back to me.

Then I called into work late.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Strawberry Container

Any ideas for ways to use the plastic containers that strawberries come in?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Challenge: Spiritual Quick Fix

Solution: "Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world. You are withholding it because deep down you think you are small and that you have nothing to give. Try this for a couple of weeks and see how it changes your reality: Whatever you think people are withholding from you - praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on - give it to them. You don't have it? Just act as if you had it, and it will come." -Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

The old "Do unto others..." golden rule, reframed. How hard can this be, for a couple weeks? Of course, I'd like to see them withhold the epidural from me... other than that, I can see a lot of instances in the past where this was applicable. When I was a manager and didn't feel my staff respected me, I'm pretty sure I didn't respect them either. When I have felt like I wasn't getting my fair share of my husband's attention compared to his job, I'm pretty sure I wasn't giving him his fair share either.

Giving gifts of spirit is an easy thing to do and might be the quick fix I need to get through the next couple weeks, where the pregnancy will be taking over my life and it is hard to stay present and conscious. I can, however, stay abundant.

What are your experiences with doing unto others?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Taking It For Granted

We all do this, right? When we're as sick as a dog, "I'll never take feeling well for granted again..."

4 days of blogging about my connection with the universe, a few deep successes, and I'm all systems go? Sadly, the whole thing has tanked with my raging hormones, sleep deprivation, and lack of eco-friendly baby wear choices. Numerous new baby outfits sit beside me, none organic cotton, probably all treated w/ formaldehyde, and not even a one of the on sale. It's too frustrating. Babies R Us informed me they aren't getting in any more organic stuff into the store. For pete's sake, I give up.

I've been awake for hours, every night, completely unable to fall asleep, terrified to experience the Four Charlie Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I can't wait to compare those to contractions; I think the contractions will come out the winners. Am I productive, spiritual, or anything but cranky during these hours of insomnia. No. Just wretched.

Have I given 1 person my undivided, in the moment attention? No.
I did buy lanolin-free nipple cream. Doesn't that count for something?

Tomorrow is another day.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Beginner's Mind

My YES of the day was, despite my inherent fear of heat in August and late pregnancy and having a total breathing episode, to agree to go floating around in the pool with my wonderful girlfriend N. and her adorable 1 year old baby boy, D. The float turned out to be one of the best YES's ever - I never go in the pool during the day but did you know, that when it's a little toasty out, you can just go in and out of the water and not be cold or hot but JUST RIGHT?! It was one of the best sensations I've felt since I've been pregnant.

Even better was to watch little D. and his fascination with the world around him. A cliche, perhaps, but the power of what in Zen is called "Beginner's Mind" breathes through a baby. His own distorted reflection in the metal railing; the rocks in the garden and the noise they make when they clank together; the hinges on the gate; the duckies - how they feel, how they taste, how they sound; the water splashing differently if he kicks, or if he hits... Are these things that we don't explore because we already know, or because we forget to explore at all? To approach the world around you with a Beginner's Mind seems like a brilliant way to take a moment to extract meaning from the day.

I noticed that when I am driving, and so focused on the very immediate windshield, hood, and car in front of me that I often miss the big picture. I'm often so absorbed in thoughts about where I am going, or where I came from, or other driver behavior, that I fail to be in the moment - and driving is filled with wonderful things. Solitude, for example, and peace and quiet. Effortless movement. Inevitable, when I access my Beginner's Mind, or come into the moment fully, the first thing I notice is that the sky is always magnificent and that I can see all of the scenery and still remain safe on the road. There is a big picture and it's easily accessible and new.

Here was my ecological dilemma - any suggestions for this one? My husband's work shirts require some kind of spray starch. Usually I use non-starch spray or whatever that Niagara stuff is (it's in my mom's closet and it's purple), but he just pointed out that it's not too eco-friendly. Thoughts?

The Year of Yes

Ever make a resolution that you kept? One that actually became ingrained in your being, so much so you didn't realize you were guided by it? I had two resolutions this year. One was to grow a pair. The other was to say "YES" when I wanted to say "NOOOOOO". YES to the job I was afraid I couldn't do. YES to more social events, whether I wanted to drive the hour and change or not. YES to novel, weird opportunities. YES to things I've done before and never want to do again. After all, that's how I came to love Kalamata Olives!
I'd love for this to be a nice tidy magazine column where I could site some examples of how YES changed me forever, enriched my life, and is now the fabric of my existence. I can't quite do that, although it did lead to a job I love and some nice dates with my husband when I would have rather stayed home. But on a more cellular level, saying YES ties into what I decided yesterday: to be more open and less guarded about the love around me.
Yesterday when my husband came home, showering me with all the usual affection, kisses, hugs, and love that I typically take for granted, I stopped what I was doing and completely absorbed and returned all of it. I paid no attention to the half-done task, to the feelings of vulnerability, and to the impatience; instead I gave my resounding YES to his love. All of the sudden, I felt like I did when we were first dating - overwhelmed by gratitude, giddiness, and let's face it, lust. All that, just for terminating the sock-folding activity.
And then: He wanted to talk. A lot. About work. He wanted to share his day with me. At first, riding the wave of love, I sat in presence and listened. And those socks started to eat away at the peripheral vision of my consciousness. In.Complete.Task. I have been hoping for years he would break his "work stays at work" policy, here is my wish come true, and those mismatched socks (the ones going in the plastic baggie as per last night's post) are just... dancing all over the dresser. Little taunting faces and googlie eyes while I try to remain present. Suddenly my eyes are drifting behind my husband to the mess that is the closet, mentally I am rearranging the diapers... Is this some kind of adult ADD or is this a common phenomenon in marriage? Do we all *think* we are giving our partners our full attention, but if we really clued in, do we all have dancing socks in the backs of our minds while our partners share their lives with us? Do you? Do you have awareness of it?

In the end, I managed to block out the dancing socks, poorly arranged diapers, and my own commentary on his day. I managed to sit mostly present and was rewarded with HIS complete attention over the mundane details of my laundry-doing day. AND a date, where we ate delicious desserts and he read me baby names, and Miss Bink bounced around, and I fell asleep in the comfy chairs feeling filled to the gills with love and contentment. The socks had to wait until the insomnia attack in the middle of the night.
All that, just for saying YES and sitting on my hands. The next trick will be to keep it up, and to keep it up when the result is only that I was present - not getting anything in return. Unconditional YES.

Meaning in the Middle of the Night?

Hey pregnant ladies, have you heard this one? It's 12:45am. You actually fell asleep, comfortably despite 35 weeks of pregnancy. And for no reason, it's Baby Dance Party time! I'm wide awake, I've left my snoozing husband to a peaceful night of sleep, and I'm brainstorming ways that this more-and-more common middle of the night QT with unborn baby can be a meaningful time.
First, remember all those plastic packaging baggies from a couple posts ago? I found a great use for them - I put all the little "footsie" socks - or not-socks - in one of them, all the random bra straps (clear, crossover, etc) in another - I've clearly displayed things that are floating around randomly in the sock and underwear drawers. Fewer bags in the landfill, and I feel a tiny bit more connected with the universe. Choices we make, choices we make, conscious or unconscious.
Secondly, I can't let the baby kick and stretch without putting my hand on my belly. I think I always want her to know there is someone out here who loves her and who responds to her. Maybe that is the greatest meaning I can draw from this insomniac period of the night - to just "be" with the baby, both of us having no expectations, just being together, and as for me, I am marveling that Life has taken the form of this tiny little girl baby inside of me. What an honor.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Challenge: "Reconnecting With Your Bliss"

At least up to and through my 20's, I remember feeling intense highs and lows (non-artificially induced). I felt more wonder, more sorrow, more rage, more joy, and more love and gratitude at very deep, cellular levels. I didn't have the toughest skin and was very exposed and involved in all of life's little emotional nuances.
At this stage in the life game, I'm emotionally much more even-keeled, calm, and feel often like a water bug skimming the depths of a deep, deep pool. (Please note I did not say I AM emotionally even-keeled, just much MORE so than I was). I wonder how that feeling of detachment - almost like a veil - from the people and world around me developed. Looking out from inside the fishbowl, even just looking at my husband next to me or thinking of the baby inside me, there is an intense amount of unconditional love to be experienced.
I'm not clear why on most days, I keep it at a very shallow arm's length. Could it be that in the act of getting married and getting pregnant, I allowed two huge chinks in the armor and exposed myself to the possibility of sorrow beyond what I've ever imagined, and arm's length is a safe distance for me to be able to recover from it should I need to? Could it be that in my spiritual quest for peace, I've accidentally detached and mistaken it for inner peace? We have also uprooted ourselves 4 times in the last 2 years, and that could lead to some measure of detachment too.
The challenge for me, from now until when the baby comes (when I expect I will be totally unconscious for the first few weeks), will be to become more involved with the meaning of life. In the small things, like mindful eating, and the big things, like experiencing all the love offered to me right now (which is a LOT!). To "reconnect with my bliss," as Deepak Chopra says, but more importantly, to reconnect with not just the bliss, but the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'll be turning primarily to A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle, because that book had a huge impact on my general state of mind and through it, I did briefly touch down in a land connected to the universe in general - and then quickly blasted off again to la-la land. I will also be using Deepak Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents, because a) I feel like a spiritual baby again, and I like things broken down for me like I'm a 3 year old, and b) It's very pragmatic. I like pragmatic.
Do you have any recommendations? Favorite quotes? Authors, sources that changed your core being? Swimmies for spiritual deep waters?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Challenge: RETURNS. Verdict: SUCCESS

Last night we were so proud and excited to go see our friend Scarlet Destruction in her 1st Roller Derby bout with Murder Beach Militia. Man, she was so Calm Cool and Collected, and on her first go-round she was just knocking them over like little flies. What a woman! Sadly, the Paramount is not air conditioned and I had to beat it out of there like hell was after me.
Today's challenge was to hunt down all the stores all this random baby stuff has come from, and we hit the Holy Grail of Knowledge at the Carter's Outlet in the Jersey Shore Outlets. The woman behind the counter told us where each brand is carried. They took all the Carter's stuff; First Year is from Target; Garanimals is Walmart; Gerber is Babies R Us... It saved us so much time. Black hangers are from Costco. In the future, please people, if you love your pregnant friends, give them gift receipts.
I wanted to cap off the afternoon of returns with a nice iced decaf coffee drink at Barnes and Noble but absolutely crapped out. My lovely husband is always a good sport about holding my belly up for a little while.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Challenge: Baby Gifts

I am simply not evolved enough to feel deep gratitude for the beautiful baby gifts while at the same time immense amounts of resentment for the lack of gift receipts. Does that make me a bad person?
Today's challenge is to sort through all the gift and figure out where things are going: In our small space (1 bedroom for 2 adults and a child), to the cottage, back to the store? Here's the challenge: We prefer organic cotton items, and I would say 85% of the clothes we received are not even close. And did not have gift receipts included. Further, the things that were organic cotton - for example, play-yard sheet, mattress cover... all came wrapped.. in plastic. So how to reuse the plastic covers - most of which have buttons or zippers or snaps?
Some solutions we came up with:
A) Be lax. If we like it and it's not organic cotton, keep it. After all, all of our clothes are not organic cotton and she will come into contact with us plenty!
B) I posted on thenest.com local boards to find out where to return items w/ no receipts and learned that both Kohl's and the Carter's outlets and stores will take stuff back w/o a receipt. Awesome - I will give that a shot and let you know how it goes. Those ladies rock.
C) My dad wanted all the plastic bags with snaps and zippers because he keeps dropcloths and items in his workbench area in them. Mom wanted a couple for organizing wrapping bows, ribbons, etc. I kept one to put all the bath products for baby in, in case of leaks. Anyone have any additional suggestions here?

There are so many "cute" items that were personally selected for our baby and have all the good vibes of the giver on them, and I just hate to return those, but it comes back to the principle of having things we love in the house. And that means baby's things, too.

Additionally, I'd like to accomplish all of this is 97 degree heat while 35 weeks pregnant AND figure out how to make an iron-on maternity tee shirt for my friends first roller derby bout tonight. And wash all her bedding. In All Free and Clear. And eat a healthful, nutritious, organically and locally produced lunch (that didn't happen - nutritious, yes. The rest, no). And pee every 20 minutes. No problem. I'm on it.
I think I already need a nap [in our organic cotton sheets].

Who we "are"

We "are" a married couple in our 30's, and have been married for four years. We're expecting our first little one, Miss Bink, next month. We are pretty much anyone you meet or talk to at a party, so you probably know us already. We're a physical therapist (him) and a behavior analyst (me), and both love our work.
My "other" work consists of trying to walk through the world in a way that is meaningful in the now. Sometimes my husband is dragged along on this quest, sometimes he steers the ship, and sometimes his work drains him so much that he's lucky to eat.
We moved a number of times in the last 2 years, some voluntary, some forced (BEDBUGS!!) and each time we have learned, over and over, how insignificant our life situation is. WHERE we live, WHAT we live in, THINGS we have - each time we lose a little more of the trappings, we gain an appreciation for light living. Lately I am inspired by this blog: feed://feeds.feedburner.com/hyggehouse. As we gear up to have the baby (talk about trappings!), and eventually have our own apartment, the idea of truly only having things we love and creating a home that is meaningful appeals to me more and more and more. Especially not having plastic toys assembled by children in another country littering my house. If we left it up to my husband, we'd be down to hobo sacks. And I think that is great.