Do you believe in miracles?

A short story...

I ordered a bathing suit online.  I've never weighed more (or cared less - another post in itself... body freedom!)

I ordered a bathing suit online, and they had 1 size left so I went for it.

I ordered the one size, online, and had enough discounts and coupons to reduce a $100 bathing suit to ...

$5.00

It arrived today and fit perfectly and looked great.

That, my friends, is something to marvel at!

It's BIG! It's SOOO BIG!

   All this marrow business... did I ever tell you how it came about?  Pull up a chair... or a gardening kneeler.. HEE HEE!  (I am so GIDDY about gardening analogies right now... stay tuned for a couple weeks and you'll know why!)

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.” -Henry David Thoreau

     I'll never forget being hit between the eyes with "DELIBERATELY" and "SUCK OUT ALL THE MARROW OF LIFE" when I first heard that quotation.   How powerfully "And not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived" resonated in my very own marrow and stayed there through thick and thin, creating an overarching umbrella of protection.  Under the umbrella is forgiveness, not sweating the small stuff, being present, living respectfully on the earth... all these small acts that add up to deliberate, meaningful living.  

     That's what brought me to this blog... from trying to find new uses for yogurt containers rather than filling up landfills, to struggling through postpartum depression while trying to keep everything in perspective, to parenting mindfully, to living our best lives... this is all the marrow.  Dancing with the dishes.  Candlelit shower.  Electric Connections.

    It doesn't feel big enough.  Still all around me is petty drama, he-said she-saids, hyper amounts of energy all focused on .... dare I say... meaningless things? That's my judgement, and it's judge-y, but I mean it lovingly because gorgeous creatures and humans on the earth, I want you to feel the freedom I feel!  The glory of living in marrow, of bringing glitter and love and light to other people...

    With that, I'm moving BIG!  In the next few months, I'm preparing to launch a fabulous website aimed at nurturing one another... AT WORK! 

   There, I said it.  So much time... we are at work all the time, including our work as mommies and daddies, and friends and wives and husbands and daughters... and as secretaries and CEOs and waitresses and landscapers.... I had the BIG BANG of ideas about work and nurturing... so keep tuned to me... beautiful things are about to GROW (HEE HEE... more gardening analogies..)

Ba-GOCK!!

    That's how my little idea feels.  Like a gorgeous tiny portaluca, trapped beside a giant immovable mountain of wood AKA "how things are done".  I have this fun idea, something involving changing the world from our various positions of leadership, something about connecting as humans for the eight to fifteen hours a day we spend in the work place, something about helping each other bloom and tending to our co workers like precious flowers... I have this seriously smart web designer lady who also is just so fun to bounce ideas off of, and she doesn't believe it yet but she's going to make my dreams a reality.  That is what I have been sitting on, incubating, taking blog time off and twitter time off to meditate, sketch, and nurture this little germ of an idea... feeding it, and looking at how so many roads may have led to this point.  Hmmmmm.

   

Electric Connection

     One thing I love about my child's Montessori school is that lessons are often presented in silence.  At parents' night, the teachers demonstrated sample lessons to us, such as showing the children how to manipulate the infamous Montessori sandpaper tracing letters.  The humming energy and focus in the room, from a bunch of adults who already know their letters, I imagine, was palpable.  Silence is truly powerful.
     Last night my daughter discovered Travel Scrabble, AKA My First Choke Hazard.  Apparently tiny tile letters mesmerize two year olds.  As I tried to interact with her, she gently shushed me because she was doing "her work" ("works" are what the Montessori activities are called).  I sat beside her, both of us in silence, and an electric connection built.  Although I've often felt the "tingle" that comes when you're in the presence of another human being and decide to acknowledge their higher consciousness, the connection between my daughter and I felt like an electric hum, almost visibly twined between us.
     In the contented silence between us, I watched as she seemed to literally become a real kid before my eyes.  Busy, intent, doing her "work," needing nothing from me but my complete presence.
    Mamas and Daddies, try it! Spend 10 minutes in complete silence with your child, being present, completely utterly present, and see what builds!

The Big Pink Meltdown

    Granted, it was a risky move.  Take overtired toddler to Off 5th, the Saks outlet, during a snowstorm - but we all needed attire for The Best Engagement Party Ever coming up next weekend.  Now or never.  Do or die.  Armed with plenty of toddler apps in the iPhones, off we went.  Things started out great.  She was a doll face, helping mommy get in and out of the dresses.  She loved "fashion show".

    Then, she saw it.  The tulle-iest, pinkest, fluffiest, ballerina-twirly dress you can imagine, topped with pink frosted cupcake dreams and then covered in vomit of valentine's day.  It's the kind of dress I've avoided having in her closet since birth.  The dress that stands for everything I've tried to counter.  Unfortunately, my child has been brainwashed by sources that shall remain unnamed (GRANDMA!!!!) and well, she currently believes she is a "Boo-Tee-Fool Pincess".

    So, no harm no foul, we try the dress on.  She. won't. take. it. off.  She's hysterical.  My husband can hear her in the men's department.  This child has never taken to a "lovey" or a "blankie" but she is crying for this dress that Armani himself could probably hear her in the ivory fashion tower.  I finally managed to bribe her out of it by letting her carry it, when we were promptly physically assaulted by a dressing room guard who may have actually never seen a 2 year old before.  She made the error of grabbing it out of D's hand so the precious merchandise wouldn't drag on the floor.  Ever serene, I said "We're buying it!  Give it back, quick!" and snatched it out of her hand and swept D. up to carry her out of there.

     It was too late.  The dress had been threatened, the child was hysterical, the people browsing through racks of $1,421.00 dresses (I know because I accidentally tried one on) were trying to kill us with their eyes, and my knight in shining armor appeared.  He gathered all the mess out of my arms (2 puffy coats, 6 dresses, hat, scarf...) and in a past life, here's what would have gone down:

ME: "Where the f were you? Couldn't you hear her screaming? Why didn't you come sooner?"
HIM: "I was trying to find you"
ME: "Just take this crap and pay and I'll meet you at the car.  This is horrible. I can't believe I can't go anywhere.  Blah blahblahblalalalala.
Hurt feelings, blame, ire, pouting, and probably me grounding myself for a week with no ice cream would have ensured as well as at least 5 hours of silent treatment.

     This time, standing there with a hysterical toddler, surrounded by the Beautiful (thin)(rich) People and fully feeling like That Family, and That Frumpy Mom Who Would Never Wear That D&G Dress, I surrendered.  I looked at my husband and said, "I just don't know what to do right now".  And in that shockingly calm moment of realizing that on this journey of motherhood, I don't have the answers - I don't even have 1/5th of the answers - my mother's intuition took over.  I knew to whisper calmly in her ear, to explain to her all the things that were going to happen between now and when we went to the register.  The crisis was averted, somehow it worked out, and I certainly can't claim it was pretty, that people didn't stare, and that I didn't want to sink into a hole in the designer ground.  But that admission, "I just don't know what to do right now" was liberation.  Freedom.  Complete permission to try something, anything, to see the struggling little human in my arms and work through our Great Big Pink Mess together.

    I hope in my next overwhelming parenting/career/marriage moment, when I feel that complete panic arising, I'll be able to surrender again, which gives me complete control in the situation.  It's a magic white flag to wave!

I'm a Phenomenal Woman!!

    In liu of today's musings, I want to share with you a wonderful lady, Valerie, Proprietress of the Etsy Shop Discerning Chi-Chi.  The Shop is a visual delight, featuring "Jewelry and fiber accessories for the spirited, spiritual and elegantly feminine discerning chi-chi, for every day wear and special occasions. A range of designs to suit your mood and style - healing/inspirational gemstone for mind body and spirit, vintage inspired, shabby chic/country cottage, bohemian, rustic, dressy, whimsical, girly & more."  One delightful feature of her shop is healing jewelry infused with positive energies via Valerie's Reiki skills; I have my eye on this beauty, a wrap bracelet, featuring a goddess charm with the spiral of life symbol (HINT HINT).


    Valerie is also the writer/designer of one of my favorite cyber-space "happy places," Discerning Chi-Chi.  She recently posted recruits for a feature on "Phenomenal Women," based around the 1978 poem by Maya Angelou.  At first I felt hesitant to respond, after all, my whole blog revolves around being ordinary. But this poem resonates so strongly with me, that I was compelled to raise my hand and say "Yes! I qualify!"  


    Today, the end result of our collaboration is featured on Valerie's beautiful blog.  I am humbly honored to be among the ranks of her Phenomenal Women collection, and I urge you to absorb the majesty of the poem, and to raise your hand up too.  Because on our journeys, caring for others, bringing meaning to our workplaces, tending to our family members and friends, smiling at strangers in the supermarkets, holding the hands of those who need comfort... we are Phenomenal Women.  In our struggles, our peace, our core beings, we are Phenomenal.


Thanks, Valerie, for bringing this powerful piece into my life.




Phenomenal Woman
-Maya Angelou


Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me. 

Ask, "Why?'

     Tailgating sends me into a tailspin of sort-of road rage (as much as I get road rage, which looks kind of like me pulling over and saying "Go ahead, I hope you get there on time").  Regardless, being tailgated seriously disrupts my flow.  I take it personally.  (Crazy, right?  Completely crazy.  How can we take ANYTHING personally, especially if it comes from a stranger that can't even SEE us?!)  I talk to them.  I'm like, "I can't go any faster than the person in front of me, buddy" and "Please, remove yourself from my bunghole immediately" and in some cases, I've called the aggressive driving hotline.

     Sick amounts of energy, huh?  The person behind me, as Elizabeth Lesser says, is just a "bozo on the bus" like me.  Their true self isn't the one aggressively tailgating; it's their Little Me who believes their destination is more important than the safety of other travelers.  That's not who they are.  They are a divine being trapped in a Scion.  Just like I'm a divine being trapped in a purple Mazda.  

     Same for the lady who cuts in line, stands too close, veers into my lane, looks at me cross-eyed, gives the cashier a hard time.... everyone has a bad day, but we tend to attribute that one moment to their entire personality.  "She's a bitch" we tell ourselves, or "How rude".  We don't know anything.  We've made mistakes, but we're not bad people.  We tell ourselves "I would NEVER do that and if I did, I would immediately apologize".  We only get so many thoughts in a day, and sometimes we really waste them with blaming, attributing negative traits, making assumptions.

     What if we spent that thought currency on inquiry?  Instead of "Get off my ass," how about "Why is he on my ass?"  Instead of "She's rude," how about "I wonder why she did that?"   Inquiry helps us hold the space for folks.  Maybe she cut in line because her kid is home with the flu and her mind is elsewhere.  Maybe he's tailgating because his boss said if he was late one more time, he's fired, but he had to stop in to bring groceries to his aging mother and now he's late again.  Are some people's Little Mes just aggressive and entitled? Absolutely.  Is it our problem?  Nope.  They're as worthy of our respect as any other living thing.  Asking "Why?" helps us recognize their divinity and humanity, all at once.  After all, we're all just "bozos on the bus".  Hold the space for your fellow clowns.

     

Are You Okay?

    In my early 20's I was standing in line with a co-worker in line at Boston Market.  The person behind the register said or did something completely out of line or rude, I can't remember what, specifically.  I felt tension rise in me, bracing for my co-worker's retort and waiting for an uncomfortable public episode to ensure.

    My co-worker took a beat and then asked, "Are you OK?" with sincerity.  The cashier froze in her tracks, looked down, mumbled something and resumed her work, rang us up and off we went.  I commented to my co-worker, "That's not quite how I expected that to go".   She said, "Well, that's obviously not her usual state of being".  In my early 20's I could not even fathom what she was saying.  How did she know anything about that person?  Was my co-worker naive, believing everyone was inherently good?

     Years later, while I was going through a rough patch that I wasn't really publicly discussing, a close friend of mine started getting on my case about little things - not returning calls, being cranky.  I'm sure my friendship skills lacked significantly during that time, but I felt furious.  Of course, the friend had no idea that I was going through a rough time, but I wished she would have taken a beat and said, "Are you OK?" What a powerful way to open lines of communication, touch the human heart of another person, and break the hum-drum cycle of being offended/mad/blaming.

     Do you have a loved one who is acting out of character?  Do you have a loved one whose character is ornery, offensive, edgy?  Before taking offense, consider asking: "Are you OK?"  Awkward, probably... but taking a stance of inquiry ensures that you've taken the high road, and may give someone the bit of support they didn't know they needed.   I'd love to know if you try it, what happens.  Check back in!

Big Trig

   That Blair Witch feeling.... (SPOILER ALERT) of making tremendous amount of effort and feeling like you're out of the woods and finding you're back where you started with no clue and no directions and in the dark... that's how I feel driving in unfamiliar terrain at night.  I can't see quite right, I know enough about the roads to make a decision but it's almost always the wrong one and typically I end up in a mall parking lot because well, this is New Jersey.

    So what?  It's an extra hour of my whole life, so I'll get home a littler later, but is it a big enough deal to warrant the insanity that ensues when I get lost? I mean, pull over at a gas station and ask the old fashioned way for crying out loud.

     But... being lost at night is a "Big Trig".  Someone implying (and they're usually not even implying, I'm just interpreting) that I might have done something wrong... BIG TRIG.  Two year old spitting at me... BIG, BIG, BIG TRIG.  The things that make us lose all our sense AND sensibility, make us go from zero to ranting lunatic faster than a Z3... the triggers that set all our ego-ridden, pain body filled, defensive, blaming, demon satan eyes ablaze.    

     Sometimes I wish the greatest spiritual leaders of our time would confess to their Big Trigs so that I could feel like their level of everyday serenity was more... attainable.  You want to know that Einstein had to learn his addition facts.  I want to know that the Dali Lama had road rage.

     Can paying more attention to our Big Trigs help us intervene somewhere between 2nd and 6th gear, before we start shooting laser beams out of our eye sockets?  I've started to take careful notes  -  literally careful notes, I keep a pad in the car - of times when I get looney toons.  The driving, but only at night.  The spitting, but only if we are late.  And lateness in general - if I'm not running early, I'm running psycho.

    So what?  There's not much time between Zen and Straightjacket in my world.  How best to remind myself to intervene, to come back to my breath, to get my vision straight?  Picture a Big Red Stop Sign? Recognize the physical symptoms?  Those are a couple of techniques I've taught in anger management in the past, and the physical symptoms thing is really, really helpful.  Knowing the signs is the first step to steering clear of the lunacy and putting the situation back into perspective.  

    My physical symptoms? I start talking out loud, for starters.  I mean, out loud to my dashboard.  My vision gets a little unfocused, my brain gets chattery, my jaw gets extremely tight.  If I can stop it there, I could head the whole thing off at the pass.  

   Next? Once you know, what do you do?  Tomorrow, more about asking the right questions in the right moments.

    And thank you for the well wishes - everyone around here seems to be on the mend.  

Peace.

Fighting Suffering

     A long awaited visit to my parents, and we all felt like garbage.  My little one hacked all night long, our hearts hurt for her.  My ears burned with some kind of infection, my poor husband wasn't faring much better.  He alternated between bringing her to the couch to sleep sitting upright, which relieved her symptoms, and bringing her in-between us in the big bed.  We weren't sleeping at all.  Each time we awoke to adjust her, I couldn't fall back to sleep easily.  I was really starting to get annoyed and have thoughts like "I'm going to be so exhausted tomorrow" and "It's going to be unsafe for me to drive her back home".  It was a long night, we all have them.

     This new process is arising for me though, probably motivated my by drive to reduce my medication.  When I start to suffer from general human condition stuff, the thought arises, "What do you know that can help you?"  After years of spiritual study, I ought to know something that I can translate into my core.  After all, spiritual teacher after spiritual teacher after spiritual teacher tells us that there is no need to suffer.  The first time the thought arose, "What do I know that can help you?" was during one of my big trigger times, being lost in the car at night.

     As I struggled to fall back to sleep, I remembered an exercise from Mindful Motherhood by Cassandra Vitean.  She prompts us to examine our experience sense by sense, to bring us into the present moment.  I am sure we then do something wonderful with that information, but I can't remember and I loaned out that delicious little book.  In the midst of coming back to the present moment, the thought arose, "You're suffering because you want to change the situation.  Your struggle is because you want something different right now."  It's the first thing every spiritual teacher teaches: Accept what is.

    I wanted to sleep. I wanted little D. to stop coughing. I wanted my husband in bed next to me.  I wanted to sleep through the night.  Wanting was causing my struggle.  There wasn't anything inherently wrong with the moment... all was quiet, my husband was happy to be cradling her like we did when she was a newborn, and my ears hurt but like, a 3 out of 10.  The only thing truly wrong was my desire for things to be different.

     When I viscerally understood that, I'd like to say the heavens opens, angels sang, my child was healed, and I was rewarded with a full night of sleep.  Nope - everything remained the same - but the struggle associated with it was lifted.  So I was awake.  OK.  So D. was sick - it wouldn't last forever.  So we learned our lesson - we'd give her Benadryl to help her symptoms tomorrow.  Everything is temporary, the highs and the lows, and everything is OK when we accept what is.  It doesn't mean we condone what is, only that we stop wishing things were another way.

   


   

 

we interrupt this regularly scheduled programming...

... To care for one sick little two year old.  Universe wants us to have some down time!

Little Sponge

     I explained to my little one, 2 years old, how a flower starts like so, then opens its petals like so, and blossoms into a big beautiful flower.  I folded my hands and slowly unfurled my fingers to show her.  She folded her hands and slowly unfurled her fingers so she could understand.  "Like this, Mama?"  and her tiny fingers blossomed into a toddler flower.

    Like this, baby.  Take a deep breath in the face of hardship.  Fold your hands into the cosmic mundra when you feel all alone.  Be brave.  Stand up for what you believe in.  Do it with compassion.  Be kind.  Keep your heart and eyes open; keep your third eye honed in on the world immediately around you.  Hold on to the beautiful energy radar you possess right now; never give it over in favor of wanting to please people.  Wear your monster jammies no matter ow much they tell you girls should wear pink.  Say thank you.  Mean it.  Be still, often, and listen.  Say "hello" to the moon every night.  Marvel at the stars.  Pause between actions, relish your life.  Be giving.  Be grateful.  You are worthy.

    See the human in all humans, even and especially ones you consider enemies.  See the life in all things, in the plant that's made of the same stuff tat you are.  Stay small, stay new.  Grow huge, be unstoppable. Believe that you can.  You can.  You already have.

     Like that, love.